Keep your head up, kiddo...

I just sort of wonder, if I end up going to Mills in the fall, am I going to be happy? This whole time, I've thought I wouldn't be, and yet now, I sort of feel like I just haven't kept my mind open enough.

I always thought that maybe CCSF wasn't right for me - not because it's a JC, but because it just feels like it's full of homogenous populations. People can be so stereotypical sometimes, and I saw the worst of that last semester.

I hate people looking at me like some kind of rich brat at City. I don't like that I get called white-washed because of the way I talk, or because I don't look like a "real Filipino." I love San Francisco and Daly City, and my heart will always belong here, but...I'm just tired.

Even if Mills is just in Oakland, it might be good. Commute-time is good chill-time anyway.

I want that scholarship, because I know I can't really afford anything without it. If I stay at City. of course I can live with it, but maybe I'd be happy at a women's college, where I don't have guys doing everything short of waving their flaccid, stubby penises in the air in order to either hook up with girls at school, or prove they're smarter when they're really not.

I think part of the reason I was reluctant to even think about being in an all-female school was because I forgot what Mercy was like - I forgot what it was like to be around a group of girls who actually cared about being intelligent and getting ahead, girls who wanted to make something out of themselves just as much as I did, as much I still do. My experience in co-ed school has been filled with vapid, shallow girls with blatantly visible thongs and nothing to be proud of. Pretty girls had to be stupid, and smart girls had to be hags. That was the way the world worked, so many times, and I abso-fucking-lutely hated it. The same person couldn't be interested both in looking good and feeling smart, and yet, that was I the person I've always been.

Maybe I don't want to have to choose between people thinking I'm pretty and thinking I'm smart - maybe for once, I want to feel like I'm both of those things at once. I don't want to have to alternate days and exaggerate "separate" sides of me. I want to be a smart girl who some people just happen to think is good-looking.

If life after high school is supposed to be more about finding your real self, then maybe I need to just let myself be whatever I am.