American Idol is back again, and...better than ever? We'll see I guess. I'm on the fence as far as the hype about Kara DioGuardi, I just hope that adding a new judge isn't the jump-the-shark moment of my longtime favorite show.
Anyway, I don't know who actually reads my blogs, seeing as it's mostly for my own entertainment, but if there are any readers out there, by all means, make your presence known.
*crickets chirp*
Hokay! Now that's over with, on with the show!
The "What A Wonderful World" montage is cute, barring Sanjaya's terrible po-hawk. I almost teared up a little when I saw Momma Yamin, I think all of the E-Train supporters (Elliot Yamin, for you laymen out there) would have. And all the little girls literally crying when David Archuleta lost? Priceless. And all the girls with huge breasts yelling "I AM THE NEXT AMERICAN IDOL!!!"? Classy.
So, our first audition city - have we ever been to Arizona? Has anyone significant ever come from Arizona? I mean, John McCain came from Arizona and we all see how that played out for him.
So we have barrel-men, limosines, clumsy male ballerinas...
Oh, and Jordin Sparks came from Arizona?
See, I was right. No one significant ever came from Arizona.
Anyway, now we are being introduced to Kara - is that pronounced "car-uh" or "kay-ruh"?
Alright, so now we have a part Vietnamese, afro-rocking, tapdancing, drill-performing...person. Tuan Nguyen, the crotchgrabbing, shimmying, prepubsecent, sex-sound making wonder. Poor guy, felt like he had it "in the bag" - and with Wham playing in the background? It just feels even more tragic.
Oh! Cue dramatic backstory! I think that means that this is someone who is supposed to get through! Another "edgy" girl who's supposedly artsy and bad at everything else in life. That fake blonde hair with pink...stuff. The tats. The septum piercing. The lip thingy piercing. YUCK.
And to be honest, I don't like her voice and yet I could tell the judges would like her. There's always one of those. Nikki McKibbin, Carly Smithson, Vanessa Olivarez. Aww, and she's pulling a Daughtry by walking out on her band. Thank you, Emily Hughes, for proliferating another Idol stereotype!
J.B. Ahfua, is this? He has pretty eyes! I like him. He's pretty, and he looks part-Filipino. And he's got a BEAUTIFUL voice. Avenge my little David Archuleta! He's such a sweetie, with his dad and his brothers there. I like him. Can we take him home with us and keep him as a pet?
Cue Michael Gurr! The kid who thinks all of the judges are colored like the Incredible Hulk!
HOLYMYGOODNESS...IT'S GOLLUM! SMEEEEEEAAAAAGOL! THE PRECIOUS! "You could've been singing in Bulgarian." Haha! And singing one of Kara's songs. How cute. Poor kid feels sick.
***
Old rocker guy! Rather old, actually. "Rockstar in a Box."
"This is gonna change my life - tremensely." And he's only 27?! WTF? WHen did people start looking so old? He looks and sounds like a grandfather with emphysema. Simon was right, calling this guy wimpy. I didn't catch his name. Randy? Jackson's going to like him just for his name.
Poor guy, though. I'd hate to be the one the judges started bickering over. And rub salt in the wound with "Dust in the Wind" playing in the background?
***
Will Kunick sounds like a Smurf, or a Furby or something. Killed an 80's classic. Some other bug-eyed kid, butchered Celine. Shawn Vazquez from Oakland, butchering Dionne with those lame shapes etched into her/his hair.
Oh, and a hyper, chocolate-skinned mariachi! X-ray? He definitely seems passionate. Aundre Caraway, the jelly-limbed dancing Mariachi man. This is terribly strange. I'm not even sure what to consider this.
Now, we have a cute, button nosed little girl Arianna Afsar. She seems very sweet, all-American, singing for senior citizens. She seems quite sweet, and she has very nice teeth. Sweet voice too, a litle choppy, but really pleasant. I can see a lot of teen boys acquiring crushes on her. I like her. MUCH better than that ugly Emily Hughes girl. How can you not love Arianna?
***
DAYTWOYEAHHHHH! Haha.
Wow. It's Eeyore! I've never heard a voice that low, it's insane! Paula says he can do voiceovers for monster movies, how sweet!
And Lea Marie Golde! A bubblegum pink cowgirl who is sixteen and looks like she's about to break her thirties. AND SHE'S KARA'S BIGGEST FAN!!!! Over 100 songs to show her. Please, honey. Admiration is fine, but please don't commit suicide in front of her house or anything.
Her first couple lines weren't terrible, but then she started sounding like Ashley Tisdale with strep throat. And I don't like Ashley Tisdale's voice. Simon called her annoying! And Kara - "That's my fan - what does that tell you about me?!"
And here comes Stevie Wright, with her big humongous smile, named for Stevie Nicks! A californian. She's good, save for those breaks in her breathing. I like her, she could use work. Maybe she's just nervous she seems pleasant and humble. GROW TEETH!!!
***
Oh, an oil rig worker - sweet guy, hard worker. Michael Sarver's voice reminds me of Josh Gracin. Remember, the Marine? Was he on season 2?
And now, a bunch of awful singers with huge noses!
A BIKINI GIRL!? Katrina Darrell. And she promised Ryan that they would make out. She's picked out names for their children.
She's ugly as hell. Her body's great, apart from the fakebake. But she looks some old woman with about 10 plastic surgeries on her face. And black hooker heels to match her nails.
The men, of course, say yes to her. I hate her, she has attitude and no chops. And mouthing off to Kara - showdown! "And next time, come naked!"
AND KATY PERRY playing in the background - and leaving Ryan Seacret speechless with that kiss. Hope they enjoyed that swim.
***
For the record, it is CARE-uh, not Car-uh. Golda. Carla.
And here comes Mister self-proclaimed Sexual Chocolate, Eric Thomas, who I do not find at all attractive or sexual. "It looks like they spelled chaaaaaacolate." And that voice is terrible. It would never get my pants off ever in a million years, if he were the last man on Earth. *gagdiepuke*
Brianna Quijada reminds of Mikalah Gordon, who I hated with a passion, except less nasally.
"SIMEYYY!"
First she couldn't the song out, now she won't shut up. She's very bubbly, but I couldn't stand looking at her.
BUUUUT I guess I'll have to, she got in! Good lord, why is she so infectious? Why am I happy for her?
***
Skip ahead - nothing interesting except for the Wanted Dead or Alive montage.
But Scott MacIntyre tugged on my heartstrings - not a lame sob story like pink cowgirls or kids living out of their cars. Real people, real adversity, real passion.
Can we see more of that, please?
Til tomorrow, in Kansas City!
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