...I want it to be like this.
I don't remember ever feeling like I was much of a role model for anyone - all my life, I've wondered why anyone would ever want to be anything like me. I was always jealous of my brother and sisters, because they're athletic, they hang out with friends, they know how to be normal. I guess I never really thought that all this time I was looking at them, they've been looking at me too.
I've never thought I was a person that people could actually admire. Never. I always thought that people looked at me and thought, "Wow, she's smart and sort of cute - too bad she's a total weirdo."
I want to be the person that my little sister Kirsten sees when she looks at me - at the same time, I wish I could be more like her. All those years I spent picking on her, and hiding from her in the closet, and fighting over stuff with her, and somehow she still sees me this way.
This is one of those moments, I think, where you decide that it's time to change things for the better. I want people to think of me as a good person, as the person Kirsten thinks of me as - I needed this right now. There are so many things right now that I've been wondering whether or not I should give up on, and now, the answer is clear:
I can't give up. I like the feeling of being somebody's hero, but more importantly, I like the feeling of knowing that I didn't go wrong. I used to always wonder what kind of older sister I was. When we were all still living together, I'd distance myself from TJ and Kirsten and Alex because I was scared I'd rub off on them - but if that's what they saw when they looked at me, then I'm glad that at least I did something right for them.
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