Foresight

Sometimes, I just don't know what's going on with me anymore.

How is it fair to treat me like I have no right to be hurt, or to be unhappy? I'm tired of being brushed off like nothing when I'm sad. You'd think someone who cared about you would try to make you feel better when you said you were depressed and lonely, and felt like you had no control over what goes on in your own life.

"Well, you knew this could happen."

No, I didn't. I knew he would probably leave at some point. Even when he himself refused to acknowledge it, I knew he would. Even when we were in high school and he promised me he would never leave, I knew he would. What I didn't know was that he'd become so heartless and selfish while he was away.

The sad thing is that I cover up for him - when my family asks about him, I lie and say that he's been wonderful to me, that he's always shown me respect and cared about my feelings, because I don't want them to hate him.

And he tries to make it an excuse that because he's in the military, that's the only way he knows how to act, because that's how he acts every day. If he's so two-faced, how do I know which is the real him? And how is that an excuse. It doesn't matter what you do for a living - when you get married, you make the same vows. You have the same obligations to the person you married.

I have done everything in my power to keep mine. I've put all my feelings on hold. I've submitted myself to going through every day without ever really feeling anything. Every day is just eat, sleep, and breathe. I have no freedom - I can't choose to be happy, because what would really make me happy is out of my reach. And the sad thing is that a matter of months ago, I felt like it was worth it because I felt respected.

Is it worth it now, when almost every day he devalues what I'm going through and treats me like I deserve it for agreeing to stay with him? It feels like he's punishing me for believing in him.